


A Hopeful Heart

by Alithea



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-10
Updated: 2005-02-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 22:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1049469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alithea/pseuds/Alithea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Juri reflects on her fate and runs into someone most unexpected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Hopeful Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Poetry is mine.

I look into the ocean wide  
I feel you standing by my side  
You look for the chance to push me in  
You seek the secret I have hidden  
And I am bound to keep it from you  
And I am unwilling to see my dreams come true  
Through the wind and the air  
Through this feeling that we share  
You would have me confess  
You would have me become less  
But I am afraid of these things  
But I am unsure of what they bring  
You whom I cherish beyond all others  
You whom I love but dare not smother  
With all my emotions and unheard prayers  
With all my questions as to why you would care  
And I die a little each day  
And this feeling inside begins to eat me away  
So soon I find that this path I have chosen to follow  
So soon it is apparent that I have become empty…so very hollow

Under the moonlight, the dull shine casting faded shadows to the ground, she sat as she had so many other times before by the fountain. She waited there, contemplating her fate and the things she had lost. So many parts of her, those brave and stoic masks she presented, wanted nothing more than to fall away. Speaking the truth could be no more painful than keeping her feelings locked away. Her wishes sheltered away within a golden coffin, forever lost, and she could not seem to wake them. And, perhaps, it was that need to hide that made everything fall apart.

She hated that notion. That her lack of faith was her downfall, and her belief in miracles was merely a shield to keep herself from taking the necessary steps to unburden her soul. What was it that Ruka had always said, something about miracles only coming true do to one's sacrifice?

She shut her eyes and sighed. A twinge of anger rose in her chest, because everyone was gone. Everyone had left her to deal with her feelings on her own. Not that she dealt with them while everyone was around. Hazel eyes opened and she looked to the water falling from the fountain. The sound made her sleepy, but she could not leave. She had to wait.

How did it ever come to this, this waiting, the silent vigil for the dawn? Did she really think that if she sat there night after night someone would come and free her? Did she believe?

She shook her head, auburn curls brushing against her face.

No, she did not believe. She did not believe in anything. There was no hope. There was no such thing as love, as happily ever after. There were no miracles. There was no such thing as a true prince. It was all just make believe and pretty lies. The truth was that everything was pain. That one wished and hoped but could never truly receive. It was all just an illusion, a pretense like the floating castle and the power contained in the Rose Bride.

There was no real power, it was only deception, and that was why she fought, wasn't it?

She would win the duels and prove that the power did not really exist. Then she could rest. Then she could be happy, or at least be akin to the truth. She would have her proof and then she could toss her locket into the ocean and let it be taken to the ends of the earth.

A slow pain built in her throat, when she had been younger it would have meant the beginning of tears, but she hadn't any left. What a pity, to be young and not have tear left to cry, only the shadow and shell of what it was to cry, to sob aloud and lament. She swallowed down the piercing sting and concentrated on the rush of the water from the fountain.

She could not cry, but the sound of the water rushing, the light patter of rain, the spray of heat from the shower, those things could replace her tears, and they could fill her mind and create an illusion of what she could no longer physically do. And it was a pale replacement to the real thing, but it would do. It would be something compared to all her nothings.

Under this current I would like to drown  
But…  
I am the empty glass  
The hollowed tree  
I wait by the river but it will not rise to wash over me  
I can see it passing  
Rushing so softly by  
But I can not go to it  
And without that nourishment  
There is no doubt I will die

With a deep breath she rose to her feet, padding down the long and darkened path back to her dorm. The dawn was coming and while she would not sleep, she would at least be able to lie down, rest in a way for the day to come. As she walked, her mind made a silent wish that was ignored and discarded, but under the shell she felt she had become there was still a need, a light, and a wish to do things over again.

If she were stronger she could have told her secret. If she were what so many saw her as, she would not have been afraid of the things she felt. But she was afraid, afraid of what it meant to love someone so deeply. To want to keep that person from harm, sheltered from every storm, to take all the pain away, and melt it into herself. She wanted-

She stopped walking to lean against a light post. Her hand wrapped around the golden trinket at her throat and she squeezed it. Wasn't there someway for her to be released? Why couldn't she just let go? Why did she cling so desperately to the photo, to the memory to the…hope?

She gritted her teeth and tugged at the thin chain. Anger taking her over as it broke and she threw it to the ground, and began to walk away as fast as she could. She was strong. She did not believe in love or innocence. It was a lie. It was. It was- She could never have. She could never…never…

Her feet would suddenly take her no further and she closed her eyes as her shoulders rolled forward. She stood there for what felt like an eternity before turning on her heels and striding back to where her locket had fallen. She picked it off the ground and opened it, hazel eyes agonizing over the picture inside.

"Won't you see me," she asked aloud, certain that no one would hear. "Won't you just turn my way and know, the way I turned to you that day and knew. I knew. So why can't you?"

Quickly she snapped the locket shut and placed it inside the small pocket of her shift. She sucked in a deep breath and started back on her way again, but as she went she heard a voice in the distance, a familiar tone tucked away in one of the small alcoves. Ever the intrigued she went towards the sound.

She liked to know everything. If she knew then she couldn't be surprised, and she could control. Needing control to shield what she could not, like the emotions she tried to deny. As unapproachable as she was, being a panther, the stony and angelic fencer she could collect information quite easily. It seemed she only had to present the most unobtrusive of questions and someone would willingly confess to something they normally would not have. It was a skill acquired over time and it hardly worked on everyone, but most, even teachers, would succumb to whatever she needed to know.

Closer, she clearly recognized the voice. It was sad, a tad lower and more serious than she was used to hearing, but every now and again she could catch the person's normal vibrant, if not, almost ordinary girlish lilt. Her eyes narrowed as the person came into to view and a longing sigh escaped the girl's lips. She stepped out from behind a tree and cleared her throat startling the girl.

"Miss Arisugawa," the doe eyed girl exclaimed with a slight "eep".

"You're up very late." Juri paused running through her memory for the right name. She knew this girl. She had seen her hanging around the lamentable Miss Tenjou. "Having trouble sleeping, Miss Shinohara?"

The brown haired girl frowned, brow furrowing as she replied in pretended off handedness and bravery that was quite adorable, "Not that it's any of your business but, yeah, I couldn't sleep."

"Do beg my pardon for daring to ask," was the sarcastically shocked reply, and she nodded her head in a kind of bow before crossing her arms over her chest and leaning against a tree.

The girl turned slightly away, crossing her arms as well. "I shouldn't even be talking to you. You Student Council creeps have done nothing but try and hurt my Utena. And I don't care if you are the fencing captain, Juri Arisugawa. Your position gives you no right to be so rude."

The shear defiance and boldness of tone melted a few inches off Juri's sad and cold exterior. She huffed with a smile, repressing an amused chuckle. She relaxed a little, slouching as she stated, "I suppose we have been rather… uninviting with Miss Tenjou."

"Damn skippy," the girl said, quickly nodding and then turning to face the fencer arms akimbo. "And it is also very rude to sneak up on people and listen in on what isn't your business."

An auburn eyebrow quirked, the girl had quite the nerve, no one had spoken to her like that since- She fought against the memory. It had been awhile, Miss Tenjou's attitude towards her not withstanding.

"Forgive the intrusion then," Juri began, "I was just curious to see who would be up this late. Normally I'm the only one. I'll leave you to your thoughts."

She turned and began to walk back towards the path to her dorm. Interesting friends that Tenjou girl had, so very plain and yet, wasn't there something endearing about the ordinary girls? It caught her off guard how much her mood had lightened. Warmth she hadn't felt in ages growing in her chest, and half of her fought against it and half of her welcomed the change, subtle as it was.

Juri hadn't actually heard much of what the girl had been saying, but she caught the tone. Something familiar to it, a longing for something she could not have. Again the more curious side of her wondered what it was the girl was wishing for.

"Don't be idiotic, Arisugawa," she said to herself. "You aren't a savior any longer."

Juri did not get very far before she stopped again, choosing to sit on a bench, knowing that the girl was walking towards her. She chided herself. Told herself she was being silly for waiting, for wanting to know what else the girl had to say. She leaned back into the wooden bench and crossed her legs, closing her eyes and then reopening them at the disappointed and almost too uncaring "Oh" that spilled from the girl's mouth as she arrived.

"If I'm in your way I can move to another bench," Juri said softly. "I'd hate to continue to insult you by my presence."

The girl huffed in irritation, foot stomping the ground quietly. "Oh quit it, you can sit wherever you want."

"Thank you."

"No problem," was the quick reply.

Before the girl could continue down the path Juri could not help but mention, "You seem upset. It wasn't-"

"No, it wasn't you. Jeez! Can't a girl have her moments?" She threw up her arms and then staggered back, plopping down on the bench next to Juri. "It's like, no one is ever allowed to have a bad day, or slip out of character around here."

"I find that comment interesting. If I recall correctly weren't you the one who was stomping around campus behind Tenjou because she was dressing differently," the question asked because she recalled knowledge of the incident.

"That's different, I'm just…having a bad day. Besides, she was changing because of some fight or something she had," she looked very plaintive for a moment. "Like she had her soul stolen and couldn't get it back."

Juri shrugged. "She seems to have managed to return to her normal self, Miss Shinohara."

"Yeah."

In the silence between us I can say so much  
And I know you can hear me  
You've learned to listen to the things that are never said  
What should we do with our worries?  
I wonder if you have an answer for me  
In the silence between us I want to say  
I think I know what haunts your nights  
I want to say I think you know the secrets I keep hidden  
But the hush only grows and God only knows  
If we will ever become something more  
Than what we are seen as

Juri never pried. If someone wanted to talk she expected them to speak, and she had a feeling that through the quiet that began to grow, something more was waiting to be said. It did and did not matter to her. She was only waiting for the sun to rise, afraid to try and sleep because in dreams she could have what she wanted, only to have reality take it all away as she woke.

She took a deep breath. She did that a lot. It woke her up, kept her thoughts from moving too far away because she could get lost so easily in them. She liked to have focus, and maybe that was why she hoped that the girl next to her would continue speaking. She could concentrate and offer what could possibly pass for advice.

The girl next to her sighed as she shifted in her seat. "Ever have a crush on someone," she asked looking at her feet.

"Yes."

"What happened?"

Juri smirked and replied sadly, "They left." She looked over at the girl and shrugged. "Have a crush then?"

"Two, kinda."

"Oh? What are you doing about them?"

"I wrote a letter to one."

"And?"

"I was rejected." She looked up meeting Juri's cool, but questioning glance.

"You're brave," Juri stated, adding quickly, "I couldn't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because I couldn't."

"Oh."

Juri swallowed and focused on the light growing in the east. There it was, the dawn. She could leave whenever she liked. Her vigil was over, but she waited, rewarded by further conversation.

"I can't tell the other one though."

"Afraid of the answer you'll get?"

"No, they're seeing someone, I think. So, I'm pretty sure what the answer will be."

"They?" Juri questioned. Inside she found herself smiling, guessing immediately who the person must be after the use of the word. "Well, I suppose if they are seeing someone it would be a bit awkward for them to receive a letter from you."

The girl frowned. "It's not nice to poke fun at people."

"Sorry, Miss Shinohara I hadn't-"

"And would you quit the Miss stuff? I feel like I'm talking to a teacher. My name is Wakaba."

Juri nodded. "Wakaba. Sorry."

Wakaba crossed her arms over her chest. "Yeah, well you're just full of apologies aren't you?"

"I don't often to speak with other students."

"It shows."

Hazel eyes went wide and her mouth fell agape. "You haven't exactly been a ray of sunshine either, but then, you've had a bad day."

Endearing, certainly, not to be feared, but confronted. Juri missed having people around who would check her attitude. The other student council members either bit back at her or ignored her temperament. To each his or her own was the way of things among the duelists, because they were not friends. And they often forgot they were students. It made one cocky and Juri knew it was never a good idea to think too highly of one's self.

"That crush you had, did it ever go away, the feeling it gave you," Wakaba asked sullenly, the spark she had shown fading low.

Juri 's hand dug into her robe and she clutched the locket tightly before letting it go again. "No. It never did."

"Oh."

She wanted to offer something more comforting to the girl, but what could she say? Her of all people, who could not let go. Juri Arisugawa, fencing captain, duelist, the stoic, the brave, the pitiful, the lonely, and the scary, she had nothing to offer but advice she herself had never taken.

She had nothing but regret, a cage of remorse. She should have told Shiori how she felt. She should have trusted that her violet-eyed best friend would not have been injured by her feelings. She should have, she should have, and if she had been rejected, if Shiori did not feel the same way, she could have moved on.

She shut her eyes and then shook her head, sighing. Because she was never afraid of Shiori saying "no", she was afraid of the answer being yes. No made things so permanent, so final, yes just- Yes, like maybe, just dragged things on.

"If you never tell them, they'll never know," Juri whispered. "And if you never know you'll just wonder forever what would have happened."

"I suppose." Wakaba grimaced and then asked, "Maybe though, there are some people who just can't be told, because they just can't see."

"If they love you back telling them will surely open their eyes." She winced inwardly. She would never know, she could never ask. She feared the things she felt for Shiori. Wasn't it foolish then to offer advice?

"I don't think I can do that... yet."

Juri shrugged.

"If you saw your crush today would you be able to tell them," Wakaba asked curiously.

"No, but then, she and I aren't really on speaking terms." She bit at the corner of her mouth for letting the confession slip so easily from her mouth and then grinned at Wakaba's wide-eyed reaction. She leaned closer to the younger girl and touched her cheek.

"Tenjou's very naïve, but I've no doubt she'll see you if you let her know," Juri said softly, adding, "That is... if you really do want her to know."

There was fear in the girl's eyes and Juri worried that she had crossed the line, but soon Wakaba relaxed. It took a moment for the fencer to realize that most of that relaxed state was do to her thumb stroking the girl's cheek. Sometimes it was easy to forget that she wanted to keep her desires a secret, and there was something very desirable about the girl, so plain and confident. She wished she knew what it was exactly. She pulled back.

"You should get back to your dorm," Juri whispered. "Classes will start soon."

She stood up pulling her shift closer, stepping towards her dorm. Stopped by the sudden almost life seizing embrace Wakaba threw around her. Uncertain about what to do she merely conceded and returned the hug. The girl looked up at her happily and Juri smiled.

"You should do that more often I think," Wakaba said softly. "Less people would be afraid of you."

"It's easier to be feared than loved, but one day I may consider giving it another try."

The girl smiled and hopped up quickly to leave a small kiss on Juri's cheek and whispered, "Thank you", before she ran off in the direction of her dorms.

Juri stood there with her hand on the spot Wakaba had kissed. She watched the sun burst bright and full over the tops of the trees. A dark sky fading into golden orange hues and then vanishing into the lighter blue of the day, her hand slid into her pocket and she drew the locket out. Stared at the picture inside and then clicked it shut again.

"If I tell you and you still can not see me, at least I'll be able to move on. I wonder if I'll ever have the strength not to worry," she muttered.

She wandered towards her dorms. She entered her room and tossed the locket on her dresser as she removed her shift and stepped into the bathroom to her shower. The water was hot, the steam suffocating, a welcomed embrace under the rush of the spray.

She shut her eyes and thought about the doe eyed girl and she wished. She hoped that the girl could do what she could not. And as she wished she hoped that one day she would be able to do what she had always longed to do. Toss the locket away and say what she felt without being afraid of the answer that would follow.

As she hoped and wished under the warm flow of the water an ache built in her throat, it spread around her. It filled her regrets, fed her worries, stabbed at her want. And she cried, because it wasn't enough to make her truly believe.

 

End.


End file.
